Archive for the ‘Fears’ Category

Why Do I Torture Myself?

Really. Why do I torture myself? I keep reading only bad news about my future in the military. Troop withdraws in the Middle East means less need to commission 2nd LTs. Cuts in defense spending due to the debt ceiling means less money to train and accept officer candidates. Competition is getting stiff. One writer on the Armyocs forum suggested that commissioning is going to be more competitive than it has been in 10 years! What?! I’m not a superstar. I know I’m just average (no sad puppy dog face, I’m just being real). Continually there is a higher and higher PT score one must aim for, a higher and higher standard for who can and who can’t write letters of recommendation, and a higher and higher emphasis on previous leadership and job specific experience. The bar for being branched Military Intelligence has been raised so high, I doubt I’ll be able to reach it.  The Army is no longer “an employer of last resort” as was once lectured to me by a sociology professor. An average person has a breaking point.

So, what can I do? I want these features to inspire a facilitative anxiety, not a debilitative one. I must improve myself to make my goals a reality. But that means stepping up my training and studying. It might be full throttle for the next 6 months to a year. Can I do that? Do I want to do that? What if I get a 4.0 gpa, reach a 300 on my PT score, find three exemplary individuals to write me letters of recommendation and I end up being a non-select? Will I really want to continue to try for acceptance to OCS? Furthermore, what if I in fact reach those goals, get selected to attend OCS, and then end up recycling out?

I guess this is a realization that I have a long and hard road ahead of me. This is more than putting together and essay and some LORs. This is a long-term striving for goals I may not be humanly able to achieve. This is a long-term risk in terms of time, money and dedication. Why do I torture myself, setting my goals so high? Why can’t I be happy in a cubicle, in a small town, overweight and divorced? For many people, thats A-OK. Maybe this is the path to realize that me, as an average person, is destined for that future even though I may set my sights higher.

I think this boils down to fears. Fears of trying and failing (nay, told I’m a failure). Fears of realizing and having to accept I am average. Fears of working so hard and not being rewarded. Fears of being trapped in a life I don’t want. I have to face them…even if the stakes are high.

SF-86: Personal Problems

I know I will have to fill out an SF-86 for my Army career and looking into what the form entails, I think it’s best that I’m starting a year and a half early. Firstly, I have some personal problems: no references. I feel like such a loner and a sociopath typing this, but the truth is that I’m a very private and reserved person. I don’t like socializing and I don’t think having friends should be a requirement for joining the Army as an officer. But, really, they ask you for references for each place you’ve lived for the past 7-10 years, plus three personal references, plus contact information for each employer you’ve had during that time as well! I never talk to my neighbors, I never have kept contact with former employers, and I have no friends or acquaintences that can vouch for me.

Now, I consider myself to be a good person. I’ve worked with children and animals and I think I’m compassionate and reasonable. I’ve spent five years in the workforce and four years at college and I’ve gotten along fine with everyone.  I think I’m personable and, although I don’t have the friends to prove it, I think I make a good friend. In all honesty, I moved to the city I live in now right after high school and shortly thereafter met my boyfriend (now husband). I’ve spent all of my free time with my husband or alone and that is the way I like it. But this isolation has a cost: I don’t know what to do about filling out this form. I only have three or four family members who even know me well enough to comment on the person that I am today. Some people out there are super critical of this; if you don’t have friends then something must be wrong with you. Yes, I guess that by their standards something is wrong with me… I am reserved.

So, I fear also that if I ask a recruiter about this then I’ll get a response like, “Do the best you can.” Ya, well, I can do the best that I can and my application may be denied due to it being incomplete or insufficient. But what can I do? I cannot make up for ten years of being reserved with new friends that can only give a reference for the last year. References need to span all 7-10 years. Overall, I don’t think that having a lack of references will make me look like a terrorist or a true sociopath (those people just manipulate and are actually very personable when they know it will benefit themselves), but I fear that it will hurt my chances of being branched military intelligence.

Am I a Good Fit for the Army?

As people go through the recruitment process they often realize the truth in JFK’s famous line, “Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country.” Joining the Army is about sacrifice; sacrifice of not being able to choose your living location, working overtime, not being able to choose your jobs, medical coverage, limiting when to have a family just to name a few. Yes, as good of deal the Army seems to me, there is always the other side of the coin and thus a different story behind just what I’m getting into. Joining the Army will take a lot of sacrifice on my part, and this makes me wonder if I am a good fit for the Army–even if I think the Army is a good fit for me.

I’ll be honest: I love sleep. And that will make me a poor fit for the Army. I have had periods of my life where I’ve woken up at 6:00am every morning, and other periods (now) where I’ve woken up at 11:00am every morning. If I am going to be indoctrinated into military style concepts of time, I’ll be rising at 4:30 or 5:00am every morning. Now, I think it is good to eat about an hour before one works out because you need to have calories in your bloodstream. I’ve never worked out in a fasted period (read: skipping eating before my workout) because I feel it’s a stupid thing to do. However, in the Army, after my early wake up, I will be expected to workout for a couple hours before breakfast. There is no buts about this: you will workout before breakfast, no exceptions. Okay, so I can change…I can start getting up earlier and I can (gulp!) workout without any calories in my bloodstream. The more I do to adjust now and changing under my own control will help me when I eventually get to basic training and onwards to officer candidate school.

I am a good rule follower. Although I wasn’t raised Catholic I seem to have about an equal guilt complex of a Catholic. And that will make me a good fit for the Army. I can’t jaywalk without fearing I’ll get a ticket and suddenly it turns into police searching my car and my apartment and then getting sent to jail–all for jaywalking. I know, I know: if I’m innocent I shouldn’t have anything to hide. Well, it’s not that I’m hiding, but I am a private person. I’m an introvert, and while I think that is a good thing and I have the extra talent of being extraverted when needed, I fear I’ll be picked out of the group in basic training for being an introverted O9S. Even though I’m excited to follow the rules and follow them well, I know everyone has a breaking point and they will be looking for mine. They’ll want to assert dominance and control by making everyone watch the female O9S who is submitting to them. Is this an overblown Catholic sized guilt trip or what?!  But, I do think it’s better to fear the worst and go in knowing how you will handle yourself than to try not to think about it and end up being humiliated.

I know myself. And this will make me an…interesting fit for the Army. I think enlisted soldiers are typically young when they enlist and they don’t know themselves very well. This makes them moldable to the Army doctrine and much less likely to question later down the road. Now, I know that’s a generalization; some people enlist when they are older and do know themselves and others enlist when they’re young but they’ve grown up in a military family and are already molded to the doctrine. There are all types. But for me, I think it’s an asset that I have been in the workforce full time for 5 years. And I’ve also gone to school in the civilian world and gotten a Bachelor’s degree. So, I can definitly jump through hoops even if I think it’s dumb and a waste of time. I’m used to the hurry up and wait song and dance.

Lastly, the Army establishment is in the soutern United States. And that makes me a bad fit for the Army. I was born and raised in the Pacific Northwest and have only left the country once–and hated it! It’s not that I’m against moving… I’m an expert at moving. It’s the fact that I’ve never been to the south and I don’t understand the weather nor do I understand the people. Racial tension is something that one doesn’t run into very much living in the PacNw. So, I guess what I need to do (since I wish to go to OCS in Georgia) is study up on the south and try to understand it. It’s not going to change for me just because I don’t like it. And I think that is the takeaway message here; you must change yourself to fit to the Army because the Army isn’t going to change to fit to you.

Fears and Choices: Is it worth the risk?

My last post dealt with working out and getting fit for the military and I think it’s only natural to share my fears about the process of joining and making it through Officer Candidate School. It’s only natural, because one of my fears is that I will physically fail. I will somehow not meet the standards; I’ll not be able to do enough push-ups or sit-ups in the allotted time or I won’t be able to run a fast enough pace. This worry is what keeps me working hard and physically pushing myself. If I decide I shouldn’t worry about this then I’ll get complacent and then I’m really setting myself up for disaster. So, on this fear, I think it’s better to worry about it because it makes me keep hitting the gym and doing all I can to be in good physical shape.

Of course, there are many other fears that run through my mind as I think about joining the Army. I think first and foremost that there is a huge fear of death. It’s only natural, I think, to fear death and in the case of being in the military, if I do die serving my country, it will probably be in war or in some sort of conflict. It’s a scary thing to think about; being shot to death, being exploded, dying from injuries sustained in battle (chemical warfare or just plain ol’ bullets will do the trick), dying in a POW camp or being kidnapped and murdered. It is something that everyone must think of and consider when joining the military. One is making the ultimate sacrifice of one’s own life for the better of their country.

But I think that some deaths are in vain. The soldiers that died at the hands of their own (at Fort Hood or from dying from friendly fire in combat) probably didn’t think that was how it was going to go down. Is that the ultimate sacrifice? Dying by someone who later says, “oops, we shot that guy.” It makes me afraid of my own (well, soon-to-be-my-own) knowing that people who have committed crimes can be given a waiver and then promptly given a gun. Someone I know said that soldiers “are trained to be killing machines.” Do I trust the 18-year-old killing machine with a GED and a history of drug and alcohol related crimes? No.

And I am also afraid of my soon-to-be-own in light of the allegations that there is a culture of sexual abuse in the military (click here, and here for two takes on the same story). I hurt for those women who claim they were victims of sexual crimes at the hands of their own. If these stories are indeed true, I must consider doing all of this work and having all of these worries, only to have it taken away by a fellow soldier. There is no doubt that I would leave the military if I was raped by a fellow officer. But in true officer fashion I wouldn’t just leave. I’d fight back and lead the way against prosecuting my attackers.

Other major fears include not getting in to OCS, getting hurt and being recycled, getting hurt and getting sent to Advanced Individual Training (enlisted), or making it all the way through everything, uprooting my family, moving across the country and then hating my job. Volunteerism runs deep in my blood but ultimately if I don’t feel like I’m doing a good thing and contributing to something bigger than myself or if I find a corrupt, abusive military establishment I fear that I would have to leave. After all my fears and hard work I would ultimately have to leave.

The fact that I’m considering these things is good. It reminds me that there are risks and rewards no matter if I work in the private sector or the public sector. Yes, these fears are very grim, but it’s important to be realistic about what I’m getting into. I feel powerful in contemplating my future. I feel powerful in knowing myself. Above all I feel powerful knowing that I can make the choice. And ultimately it’s my choice.